There Oughta Be A Law
Fiction by David Illig

March 5, 2013

“What do you think you’re doing??

“Huh??

“Are you deaf??

“I’m not deaf. But—there’s nobody talking.?

“Ah, a quibbler, too. Never mind. I know what you’re doing. You’re paying way too much attention to my ova.

“What??

“Come on, you’re not stupid. I’m talking to you! Why are you hanging around here??

“Who are you? Where are you??

“Stop twisting your neck like a stupid bird. I’m right in front of your big, black eye.?

“That’s impossible.?

“You still have your eye on me and my helpers. You know, I could bring you up on a sexual harassment charge.?

“Okay, okay, I’ll play your game. But you’re a paper wasp: Polistes dominula. You can’t haul me up on any charges. What would you do, go buzz in a judge’s ear??

“You are dense, aren’t you? I’m a foundress—that’s Queen to you. I am the judge and the jury and my companions are my enforcers. And you still haven’t told me what you’re doing here. One subtle wiggle of my abdomen and—?

“Okay, settle down. You can’t charge me with anything. You’re a vespida and I’m a hominid and that means—?

“I’ll tell you what that means! It means you’re also a bigot and I could charge you with a trans-species hate crime!?

“Come off it! First, that’s not my eye. It’s a camera lens. I’m a nature photographer and I find you and your, er, servants to be beautiful and fascinating. I don’t want to harm you or your ova.?

“Oh, so I’m nature, now, am I? I suppose that compared to you I am. You’re the most unnatural looking thing I’ve ever seen. Can you even fly? I should have known that that thing was too beautiful to be your eye. How many eyes do you have, anyway? I’ve seen you around here and you didn’t have that eye before. But you still haven’t told me why you’re here.?

“I live—?

“And if I thought you were going to harm my ova, my servants would attack you in the blink of an eye or whatever you call that thing. Maybe you’re allergic. Maybe they would kill you.?

“I’m here because I live here! This is my home!?

“Your home? You mean your home, too. My family has been here for 100 million years. How long has your family been here??

“Um, not that long. Listen, it’s complicated, but you and I are different species. And I appear to be suffering from hallucinations, because we can’t be talking.?

“Really? When I said, ‘talking,’ I was speaking figuratively, figuratively speaking. Can you handle figurative speech??

“Of course, but—?

“Never mind. I’ve got to finish sealing these brood cells, and trying to communicate through your thick chitin is wearing me out. Let’s make a deal. You leave me and my family alone and I’ll leave you alone.?

“Deal.?

“David! Who are you talking to out there??

“No one, dear. Just singing to myself.?

“You haven’t made one bit of progress fixing that gutter. What have you been doing??

“Well, I found a wasp’s nest under the eave, and it has six wasps working on it, so I got my camera. I think I have some good shots.?

“Fine. Now find the spray and get rid of those wasps and get that gutter fixed. You’ve been working on this project for three months!?

“I can’t kill the wasps. I could be brought up on charges and—?

“Are you nuts? It’s not illegal to kill a wasp, and even if it were, who would turn you in??

“Uh, I meant that it ought to be illegal to kill them. If we leave them alone, they’ll leave us alone.?

“You’re sure of that??

“Yes, I have—er, you have our word on it.?

 

3 Responses to There Oughta Be A Law
Fiction by David Illig

  1. JC on March 5, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Interesting story, but it took me nearly until the end to realize that this was you talking to a killer wasp and vice-versa. Also, I thought your Glass Coin logo was cleverly designed.

  2. SW on March 6, 2013 at 2:28 am

    Enjoyed the story.

  3. David Illig on March 6, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Thanks for your kind remarks. I based this fantasy on a real experience. Please see the photo at http://www.flickr.com/photos/primeval/*** **** ****/lightbox/.

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