Sometimes people walk away because they want to be alone. Sometimes they walk away just to see who will follow them into the darkness, into the silence.
For a long time I was the kind of person who tested the people around me: a runner by nature and a bad chooser of friends. The people that followed me didn’t prove they loved me, they only proved that they wanted to be in the inside of the information. They followed perhaps out of guilt, curiosity but not out of love.
Even when I was followed, I wasn’t loved. This was no one’s fault but my own. I’ve discovered that the people who love me respect my wishes and my boundaries. They don’t follow when I tell them not to. They stay and keep watch.
The same way my parents did when I had night terrors as a child. My parents didn’t climb into my bed and into my dreams. They knew they couldn’t follow me into my fears and they knew I couldn’t stay awake forever. So one of them would sit on the floor by my bed and keep watch all night, waiting for me to wake up and call for them. Later, when I was brave enough to go to sleep by my self, my mother slept lightly and would wake at the softest cry of “Mommy.”
This is what love is. Love doesn’t follow where it isn’t asked. It doesn’t press. It isn’t interested in knowing to feel smart or helpful or good. Love isn’t looking to have victory over other people’s battles. Love is willing to go unthanked, unpraised and unneeded. Love takes joy in the victory of others, not in its own.
Love doesn’t follow where it isn’t asked. Love waits until it is called and is ready to be asked.
I no longer test the people I love to see if they will prove their love by great acts. I no longer run away to see if I’m followed. I no longer push people away to see if they’ll come back. I don’t look to others to define me and I don’t require proof of friendship. Now, I follow my heart. I do what’s right for me. And believe that the people who love me will celebrate with me when I share my victories and come to my aid when I ask for help. The people who respect my wishes and don’t press for explanations are the same people who listen when I need to talk. They are the ones who don’t mind being woken in the middle of the night and they are the ones who love me for who I am now – not for who I could be.
The Glass Coin is going away for a while. This isn’t to see if I get scads of emails saying that you want me to keep it going. It’s for me because I need some time to do other things. NaNoWriMo is in November and I am taking that challenge to write a novel in a month. Then the holidays will be on top of us and I wish to spend time with my family and friends. In the New Year we will be back, and we will still be open to submissions for all that time. So send your subs if you wish. Expect to get responses to your new submissions and as yet unanswered ones in January 2012.
The Glass Coin has always been about supporting each other as artists and people, so I know our readers will support me in this. Because I know the kind of relationship we have – I don’t need you to prove it.
To all the writers attempting NaNo – we wish you good writing: and to everyone a very blessed holiday season and much success and joy to you all in the New Year, from all of us at The Glass Coin.
Cheers,
Jo
JM Prescott - Editor
